Man, these past two weeks in the NFL have made it a pain to grade: Bad teams upset good teams, while good teams fail to show up. After a crazy week 7, how do the teams set in our Power Rankings?
1. Eagles (+2)
Man, Eagles left no room for doubt, they’re the best team in the NFL. After a shellacking of the Dolphins 31-17, Bird Gang must be standing strong. What is worrying, Hurts is currently tied with Garoppolo for the NFL lead in interceptions. Even with him averaging an interception a game, the Eagles keep winning. By the way, can the Front Office just give us back the Kelly Green uniforms full time? They are just absolute perfection. Come on Eagles, give the people what they want!
2. Ravens (+3)
Wow, that’s a way to prove to the league that you’re a Super Bowl contender. A game that I predicted to come down to the wire wasn’t even close, with Baltimore whipping Detroit 38-6. Lamar looked like a man on a mission, passing 3 TDs and running in one. After this game, Lamar currently has the most 4 TD games with at least a completion percentage of 75%. The most in NFL history. Not bad for a Running Back, eh? The Defense proved they’re among the NFL’s elite, shutting down the Lions passing attack and making Goff’s life hell. Nothing like a stomping of one of the NFL’s best to show you belong.
3. Chiefs (+4)
Man, did y’all see Taylor Swift and Brittney Mahomes handshake? Good stuff. Also, did you see Taylor Swift’s bracelet? ❤️87? It’s good to see her and Travis Kelce are officially a thing. By the way, I think a Football game happened? Something about the Chiefs winning 31-17 over the Chargers? Patrick Mahomes threw 4 TDs and over 400 yards, I think. Eh, thats not important. We all know it’s Swelce’s and we’re just living in it.
4. Niners (-2)
Uhm, Niners? What happened? I’m sure everyone and their mama had the Niners winning this game easily, but San Fran looked awful, losing a winnable game against the Vikings 22-17. I don’t know if his first loss got to him, but Brock Purdy has suddenly lost two in a row. Purdy went 21-30 for 272 yards, one TD, and 2 picks. McCaffrey was worse, 15 carries for 45 yards and a TD. The wheels are quickly falling off for the Niners and they have got to pick them back up. Quick.
5. Dolphins (-4)
Well, that went well. After the wakeup call that was the 31-17 loss to Philly, Miami learned that they aren’t completely bulletproof. As Han Solo best said; “Great Kid, now don’t get cocky!” That definitely applies to the Dolphins. Speaking of which, we know how good their Offense is, but how good is the team altogether? Their 5 wins are against teams with a combined 8-25. Their losses? 10-4. Do with that information as you’d like.
6. Lions (-2)
Coming into the game against Baltimore, they were the trendy pick. Although entering the game as underdogs in Vegas, analysts were picking Detroit left and right. What followed was the Lions worst performance of the season so far. What was a top 5 rushing defense allowed 146 yards, but the biggest surprise was the 357 passing yards from Lamar. This Defense still has holes to patch and the Offense has to get back in stride. So, the big question on everyone’s minds; Are the Lions contenders or pretenders? I still think Detroit will see the postseason, but if they keep playing like this, it’ll be one and done. Stay calm, Detroit.
7. Jaguars (+1)
An ugly win for Jacksonville, but a win is a win. Going into Nawlins and winning isn’t an easy feat, especially with Who Dat Nation, but the Jags got the job done, 31-24. The trend of QB’s leading their team in Rushing continues, with Lawrence putting up 59 yards on 6 carries. Even with Etienne putting up 2 TDs, he still couldn’t get the rock going. Should Duval be worried about the offensive (in both terms) performance Thursday Night?
8. Bills (-2)
Buffalo has got to be the most disappointing team this season. After opening the season as the AFC East favorite, they’re currently 1-2 against the division. Even more confusing, that one win is against the high powered Dolphins, with losses to the beat up Jets and bottom feeder Patriots. Josh Allen already has 7 interceptions on the season, averaging one a game and in a four way tie for 2nd most in the league. For god sakes Allen, quit it with the turnovers.
9. Cowboys (0)
Cowboys are sitting pretty at the bye with a 4-2 record, but those two losses can be cause for concern. After losses to Arizona and San Francisco, Dallas is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. While they’ve looked like a team that could go far in the playoffs, they’re screwed if they run into a healthy Niners team, or the Cardinals somehow. Next up, a date with the Rams in Dallas. Bring your popcorn.
10. Jets (0)
Kicking your feet up after an upset win over a previously undefeated team is never a bad thing. Jets are looking safe at 3-3 and it appears Aaron Rodgers will be back before the season ends, which is great news to Gang Green. At my estimate, a 9-8 or 10-7 record should be good enough to slip into the postseason in the AFC, so if the Jets can keep it up without crashing and burning, they should be a Wildcard team to fear. Up next, the Battle of New York against the Giants.
11. Seahawks (+1)
The Seahawks youth movement is officially in full effect. With Witherspoon having a great season, fellow 1st rounder Jaxon Smith-Njigba nearly doubled his career yards on his first TD, a 28 yarder. Meanwhile, fellow rookie Jake Bobo, an UDFA, had possibly catch of the year on his toe tapping 18 yard TD. While a 20-10 win over Arizona isn’t that impressive, the Seahawks are a young and dangerous team. While they’re not quite ready yet, this team could definitely make some noise in the next few seasons.
12. Steelers (+2)
For the first time this season, the Offense was the reason for a Steelers win. Wow, this is a weird feeling. After trailing the Rams 17-10 to start the 4th quarter, the Offense awoke and put up two straight TDs on the ground to walk away with a 24-17 win. This may silence the FIRE MATT CANADA crowd for a second, I’m still screaming it. 300 yards of Offense is possibly the best showing by the team, and that says a lot. 4-2 still has the Steelers breathing down the Ravens necks, but they still need help. Jesus, the Steelers Offense winning them a game? Someone fix the timeline.
13. Chargers (-2)
Chargers fans have got to experiencing stress induced baldness by now. A popular Wildcard pick (not by me, don’t put this bad Juju on me), suddenly at the basement of the AFC West, is shocking to see the least, but Chargers gonna Charger. Speaking of which, a lot of folks were confused of my use of “Charger”, so I figured I’d give you all my dictionary definition:
Char-ger-ing
/CHärjar-eng/
Verb
Past tense: Chargered
Future tense: Charger
To appear to win, or lead, only to make mistakes and lose
Example:
“Man, Chuck, the Chargers really Chargered Sunday.”
Hopefully that clears up any confusion. Anyways, Herbert looked below average, with a TD and 2 picks. Los Angeles has got to clear up their act and have got to be careful, I know how to use Urban Dictionary.
14. Vikings (+1)
That’s the premiere win we wanted to see out of Minnesota. Without Justin Jefferson, Kirk Cousins and crew were able to make work of the Niners vaunted Defense, going 35-45 for 378 yards, 2 TDs, and a pick. Rookie Jordan Addison made the loss of Jefferson hurt less, with 123 yards and 2 TDs. On the Defensive side, Camryn Bynum intercepted two Brock Purdy passes, including one to seal the win for Minnesota. Nice to see signs of life from the Vikings.
15. Buccaneers (-2)
In what was possibly the ugliest game this week, the Bucs lost a close one to the Falcons 16-13. After a strong 3-1 start, Tampa has lost 2 straight. Baker metamorphosed from Cleveland Baker to Carolina Baker. 275 yards and a TD look nice, but a costly pick hurt. After this loss, Tampa loses the division lead to Atlanta. The Bucs have got to clean up their act if they want a shot at the postseason.
16. Browns (+4)
In possibly the most controversial game this season, Cleveland wins a close one against the Colts, 39-38. Trying to keep myself out of the controversy, Browns should’ve lost this one on paper, being outplayed a majority of the game, but were able to hang in. Deshaun Watson was in the game for what felt like 15 minutes, going down with a head injury midway through the first half. The Rushing Offense continues to struggle, with Jerome Ford leading with 74 yards on 8 attempts. The sad part? 69 (nice) of those yards came on a single touch. This team misses its starters.
17. Falcons (-1)
Big win for the ATL, defeating a division rival and taking control of the NFC South all in the same day. While Desmond Ridder has looked questionable all season, he had himself a nice little game this week, 19-25 for 250 yards. While these numbers don’t scream “Big Play ability”, he’s leading the team to wins. Speaking of the team, this is a complete team with no stars, which is definitely hard to win with in this era of the NFL, but the Falcons are managing. By the way, has anyone seen Bijan?
18. Commanders (0)
Is Washington as good as they seem to be? Other than their quality win over Atlanta, their other wins are against Arizona and Denver. A nice 2-0 start has turned into a depressing 3-4 record after their loss to the disappointing Giants. Sam Howell was also disappointing, with a 22-42 and 249 yard game with a pick. The Commanders have the potential to have fireworks on Offense, but Bienemy’s Offense has yet to take off. While it is progress, how much patience can the new ownership have?
19. Packers (-2)
There is nothing but pain (and cheese) in Green Bay. A loss to the NFL’s target of bullying in Denver is a major blow to Packers fans’ hopes for a decent season. Just when there was a sliver of hope in the 4th quarter, Jordan Love threw a horrid, but game clinching, interception. To me, it seems the poor kid is rattled and losing the fans. After a great start, Love is just staying afloat. While there’s still hope for the future in Green Bay, they have got to get Jordan some help.
20. Titans (-1)
Don’t be mad that it’s over, be happy that it happened, Titans fans. It appears that Tennessee’s time in the playoff sun will come to an end this season. Sitting at 2-4, Tannehill is injured, Kevin Byard is suddenly an Eagle, and Derrick Henry is reportedly available for the right price, it’s rough being a Titans fan right now. Malik Willis appears to have promise and Will Levis is still in the ranks, so best to focus on the future. Falcons come into town next week.
21. Rams (0)
What a stinker by the Rams. After leading the Steelers 17-10 at the beginning of the 4th, they allowed the Steelers Offense to put up 14 unanswered points to take the win. I understand the Rams Defense is old, but you have got to make those stops. I almost forgot this team still has Aaron Donald as he’s been an afterthought recently. Matt Stafford is still average, with a statline of 14-29 for 231 yards, a TD and a pick. I say it nearly every week, and I say it again; The Rams need a QB. If I were Les, I’d be calling around.
22. Bengals (0)
Even though the Bengals are 3-3, Cincinnati is still struggling. Joe Burrow hasn’t looked the same as he did last season, and it’s costing the Bengals. After the off-season of record breaking extensions, Joe Burrow was believed to have deserved it the most, but has had the worst stats of them all. If Cincy can get it together, they can make a serious play at The division. Next up, Niners in San Francisco. Me-ouch.
23. Colts (0)
A hard to swallow loss for Indy, as ref ball possibly helped cost the team a hard fought win. Even after having the advantage over Cleveland in yards, turnovers, and possession; Indy still has an L in the column. That aside, Gardner Minshew appears to be the temporary answer at QB while Anthony Richardson is out for the season. He’s had this team competitive in every game he’s played and has surprised folks. The Gator Man may feel out of place in Indianapolis, but he surely isn’t showing it.
24. Texans (0)
Houston has one of the most intriguing teams of the season. Currently sitting at 3-3, they’ve out performed themselves. Don’t get me wrong, this is still a bad team that has a lot of holes to fix, but I’m still impressed nonetheless. Rookie CJ Stroud has made me proud as an Ohio State can and may be the first Buckeye in a while to have success, but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. Instead, let’s focus on week 8; A meeting of Stroud and Bryce Young as the Texans take on the Panthers.
25. Broncos (+2)
A 19-17 upset win over the Packers sparks joy in the Mile High. While Russell Wilson had a decent game, 20-29 for 194 yards and a TD, decent still doesn’t make the price Denver paid feel any better. The 2023 Broncos reminds me a lot of the ’77 Atlanta Falcons, the “Grits Blitz” squad. While the Defense has been great, the Offense is pathetic. I said it when it happened, and I’ll say it again: Trading for Russell Wilson and Sean Payton will set this team back at least 5 years. Sorry Broncos fans.
26. Saints (-1)
Nawlins had this game in hand, but small mistakes eventually became too much. Although they forced two turnovers against the Jags, a Derek Carr interception returned for a TD was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The Saints seem competitive, but can’t get out of their own way. With the current Cap hell they’re in, a rebuild seems imminent. At least they’ll enter the off-season with a higher draft pick, complimentary of Denver.
27. Giants (+1)
Solid win against Washington, 14-7. The G-Men managed to snap their 4 game losing streak, but still need a lot of help. Tyrod Taylor has looked great in New York’s offense, leading them to their first win in a month and nearly an upset of the Bills last week. Does this prove to the front office that Danny Dimes isn’t the answer. Well, it does to me. This team has shown us that they can make the playoffs, but something has held them back this year. That appears to be Daniel. So, do the Giants try to find a new QB this off-season after resigning Daniel Jones, or are they stuck with him?
28. Bears (+1)
Is it officially the Tyler Bagent era in Chicago? While his stats weren’t elite, 21-29 for 162 yards and a TD, his did enough to get the Bears their 2nd win of the season in a satisfying win over the Raiders. While this team can obviously win, what’s the issue? Fields is the better player, but can’t get wins on the field. Meanwhile, Bagent is undefeated in games he’s started. Who do you choose if you’re management? There’s been rumors of the Bears shopping Fields, so is this enough for him to be out the door?
29. Patriots (+1)
Have you ever watched a game that made you want to flip your table and throw your tv remote out the window, even if your team wasn’t playing? This game made me want to just drop my phone and say “Screw it, the rules don’t matter anymore.” After losing the past two games a combined 72-3, the Pats shocked the Bills 29-25. Despite being 2-5, New England is 2-1 in one of the toughest divisions in the NFL. I don’t understand it either.
30. Raiders (-4)
After an apparent clean up to attempt to save their season, Raiders lose against Tyler Bagent and the Bears in his first career start. Brian Hoyer looked awful and was eventually pulled for rookie and manly mustache owner, Aiden O’Connell. So far, the Raiders excursion into the desert has produced one playoff win and confusion. Folks thought this would be an average team, but losses to bad teams aren’t average. Remember Raiders, the Golden Knights and the Aces just won titles. Do you really want to be behind a Hockey and WNBA team?
31. Cardinals (0)
I swear, I could copy and paste what I say for Arizona every week and it would still apply. Another week, another loss. Insert player stats here, insert snarky remark there. Anyways, a 20-10 loss to Seattle hurts, but at least it was close. At 1-6, it’s a long shot for Arizona to make the playoffs, so the season’s practically over for the Cardinals already. Shut down shop and start focusing on the draft.
32. Panthers (0)
Entering the bye week at 0-6 is never good, but it does give the Panthers time to focus on the good and fix the bad. The good? Well, they’re not as bad as say the 2017 Browns. The good? Bryce Young seems to be developing and should be great in the oncoming years. The ugly? Chicago owns Carolina’s pick. Poop. CJ Stroud and the Texans are up next.
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